Fear setting

I am too young to be getting gray hairs. Today I have found the first of what I expect to be many. And according to the future forecast that is my father, the do not seem to go away. The culprit, I believe is my axiety about the future. Which may just be unfounded.

 “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality” Seneca the Younger

I came across this TED talk, i.e. YouTube videos for nerds, and it truly did speak to me. I, am many of us do, feel anxious about a lot of shit, but I have never truly sat down and listed them. I am starting to realize that the made up fears in your head, the ones that just drift into the dark corners of your brain, may actually be more tame if we actually face them…. ok, baby steps, just defining them for now.

“Not everything that is faced can be changed… but nothing can be changed until it is faced” James Baldwin

I don’t feel like writing out the whole exercise and shit, but the video was nice to listen to so I will grace you faithful readers with the video….. Been thinking of a closing catch phrase….. we’ll try “See you sinners in church” for now.

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Hive Tinder Mind

So, like any other man, board out of his mind on a Friday night, I decided to scroll through tinder to kill some time. Nothing wrong with it, just keeping myself busy. But on this seemingly ordinary night, I strayed away from simply just window shopping to going in the shop (i.e. I read their bio’s)….. Not impressed.

I get that traditional male, female roles require men to approach women, so women don’t necessary have to have the witty pickup line. There are the few who go against the grain, but what I saw on tinder was tragic.

First of all, traveling is not an accomplishment. Existing somewhere else for 3 weeks does not make you worldly. Secondly, how many women are only dating for other people’s pets. For fuck sake, buy your own, you don’t need to be on tinder, you need to be in a pet shelter. Don’t tell me how much you love the show friends, I’ve never been into a girl then drop her because of what she watches on Netflix. No one seems to have a personality anymore.

Give me the shitty stuff. I want to know how much of a turd sandwich you are before I dig in. I will cry the day I read some shit like “alcoholic with a serious inability to get on a diet, yet is doing fine in life”. I will wife that hoe up so fast. I want my women to broken down by life, possibly been stabbed before. These women usually know how to appropriate life more. They don’t ask for stupid shit like a trip to Paris. They just want a croissants every now and then. Speaking of croissants, I’m gonna get something to eat.

This guy is hilarious, check him out if you get a chance.

Love the hard parts too

DISCLAIMER: I go to school for computer science, just fyi

It was around five am in the technology building basement in the computer lab. Cold, damp, soul sucking. My code wasn’t working. In fact it was causing memory leaks as well. I couldn’t find the bug no matter how much I arranged, rearranged, and reorganized. No one on any of the forums had run onto the same problem. I began to break down.

I skipped the rest of my classes the next day and went for a drive. I bought some cigarettes and a red bull, the diet of champs, and sat on the hood of my car, outside the parking lot of an foreclosed pizzeria. I began to truly form the thought then. “Who do I owe in this life?” Then I began to list them all one by one.

LIST OF PEOPLE I OWE A DEBT IN THIS LIFE

  1. My guardian parents
  2. Myself

I don’t owe another person on this damn thing. I have no obligation to go to college. I have no debt to pay, no agreement I have to fulfill. I don’t have to do any of this. I owe nothing to these people. My soul is my own. I am not without sin, but fuck if I let this school determine my worth. So why am I putting myself though this torture. What do I want?!?!….. what do I want?…..

I want to work with computers. Above all, I want to do this. I want to take care of myself and my parents, but other than that, work with computers. It was there that I truly got it.

You can’t just do something only for the good parts, you got to love the hard parts too.

I drove back to the computer lab, sat in the chair for the next three days. The cleaning crew, talking shit in Spanish for the two day and a half, finally asked in a Hispanic accent “Aye, you homeless?”. Like Jesús, I rose on the third day, submitted what I had, and failed spectacularly. I lived, the sun shined, but I still kept my soul.

P.S. I unfortunately did not ascend into the heavens, Haven’t finished my work here. On another note, Jay-z 4:44 has a music video now, lit.

Sacrifices

Things have been interesting…..

Besides being overworked and underpaid at my summer job, I’ve been taking online Spanish. Why would I do this to myself? I don’t know. Maybe because I love stressing myself to the point of insanity. Also, the regular fall course is way to intensive for just filling an general requirement.

Got me thinking about all the things I’m giving up. I could get a crappy job to put some money in my pocket and find some dirt bag friends to get drunk every weekend. Instead I’m stressing over decimals in grad point averages and where I’m going to be in 5-10 years in some lonely ass library.

The truth that most people won’t tell you is that there is no such thing as a guarantee, no such thing as job security. Now that doesn’t mean your degree is useless, but it can feel like your playing poker. Your supposedly gaining a lot of chips at the table, but you know you can bust and loose it all at any point before you get a chance to cash it out.

I think about my family a lot lately. My parents are getting old. I have my reservations about them. We for sure don’t see eye to eye on a lot but I still love them. I want to be able to take care of them when they can’t do it for themselves anymore… from a distance.

But why from a distance? I think I have been pushing people away for a while now. I think cretin people in my life are the kindest, warmest, beautiful people on earth. But I still only keep them at a certain distance. And now I feel truly alone. Is that ok? Can I stay alone? How long can one be left alone? Love life is a thing… that I certainly don’t have. I have the occasional hook-up/booty call every now and then but I don’t think I have actually been vulnerable with another person in a long time.

Whatever happens happens. Here’s a guy who makes some dope lyrics, check him out if you can.

Update on me

OK, here goes.

So my mother just lost her job. Well not just lost it, it’s been about a year now, around the end of my sophomore year. About the same time I stopped writing. She also happens to be the bread winner of the household so ya for non-conformity, shit for our house hold income.

I have been losing my mind, having to take on loans, as my scholarship was being cut. Oh yeah, that happened at the same time. Basically, I was working 20+ hours a week at a shit pay job while full-time in school. Had to drop that. All in all, I’ve just had to pay for my school myself for the past year and get my grades the fuck up.

Fast forward to the end of my junior year and I got a 4.0 for both semesters and I’ve managed to get my scholarship back. Happy ending right. Wrong.

I just got good at school, but man, it forces you to think if “school” is really for you. The only thing I can describe this past year as is to driving a car. I got the hang of driving, but now I’m just doing loops in the parking lot. I have no idea if I truly want to go to graduate school, find a job, or go into the government. That senior year is comming up real fast.

I’m hoping this summer I can just lay under a tree, hit nirvana, and find a couple of answeres. Maybe that’s a lot to ask of some warm weather.

I’m not dead. Yet….

Damn, it’s been a year since my last blog post. Didn’t mean to keep you in the dark. I have come to the realization that I need something in my life to help me center myself. Reflect on where I am and where I am going. And since I am a poor college student who can’t afford therapy, why not shout it into the dark abyss that is the internet and see if anything speaks back.

From now on, I am officially doing weekly posts. This blog is my new religion. Ever Sunday, were going to church bitches. I am the pastor, give me what offerings you have, we all going to hell!!! Mua ha ha haaaa!!!

ice king eyebrows

RUN, RUN FAR, RUN FAST, RUN

I’ve haven’t been writing. My bad.

I’ve been getting my ass kicked with exams and projects for the past few… months. That and I’ve been juggling a job and trying to keep up with my friends. My balancing is tremendous.

Alex and Jessica have been going through rougher times than I can imagine. I just want to be there for them.

My mother got a new job working as a private accountant and making more money. But bright clouds have dark linings too. They forget to tell you that. Now we no longer qualify for a grant that is covering a nice chunk of my tuition. That coupled with me being on probation for my scholarship is really making me grow some gray hairs. No money has been taken yet but I have a loan application set up just in case.

I don’t know if I can keep this pace up. I feel exhausted. All the time. I’m kicking ass but I miss my friends and I feel like they miss me too. I know they’re going to read this post and try to drag me to get coffee or something. Hang out more. All good intentions. But I feel like I am obligated to reject them for the time being. If I fuck up this part in my life, this will fuck shit up for the next 3 or 4 years of my life. And that’s not exaggeration. I’ve done the math. And I hate doing real world math problems. idk. I’ll just post this when I think the time is right.

On the bright side, Chance the rapper dropped a mix tape. I almost feel disrespectful not calling it an album. Here’s a little something to lift spirits so this post isn’t all bad news. enjoy.