I’ve haven’t been writing. My bad.
I’ve been getting my ass kicked with exams and projects for the past few… months. That and I’ve been juggling a job and trying to keep up with my friends. My balancing is tremendous.
Alex and Jessica have been going through rougher times than I can imagine. I just want to be there for them.
My mother got a new job working as a private accountant and making more money. But bright clouds have dark linings too. They forget to tell you that. Now we no longer qualify for a grant that is covering a nice chunk of my tuition. That coupled with me being on probation for my scholarship is really making me grow some gray hairs. No money has been taken yet but I have a loan application set up just in case.
I don’t know if I can keep this pace up. I feel exhausted. All the time. I’m kicking ass but I miss my friends and I feel like they miss me too. I know they’re going to read this post and try to drag me to get coffee or something. Hang out more. All good intentions. But I feel like I am obligated to reject them for the time being. If I fuck up this part in my life, this will fuck shit up for the next 3 or 4 years of my life. And that’s not exaggeration. I’ve done the math. And I hate doing real world math problems. idk. I’ll just post this when I think the time is right.
On the bright side, Chance the rapper dropped a mix tape. I almost feel disrespectful not calling it an album. Here’s a little something to lift spirits so this post isn’t all bad news. enjoy.
Some of the most profound words don’t hit you till way later in life. One time, I remember a buddy of mine started to stay late after our wrestling practice. He would just run laps around the school hallways. I asked him the next day why. He said
I hate losing. I hate it. I hate losing more than I even wanna win.
That’s something that’s gonna stick with me for a while. What do I hate so much, I don’t even care about a reward anymore?
Sometimes I feel lost… Sometimes I feel really lost. This song really resonates when I feel that way, I hope it does for you too.
The worst think about pain is that it hurts everyone
The most painful thing is when people leave because you bring too much pain in their lives
Being alone is painful
There the quote I picked up from someone. It says that we live alone, we die alone, and everything in between is a brief commercial break. I hate that. I miss the innocence of being a kid, the feeling that everything will work out.Before you figure out that there’s no right true love for you, just a person that you can love for now, however long that is. I hate that you have no calling that you will be amazing at and dust everyone in. Just something that interests you for a time. I miss the feeling that you were gonna live forever and death wasn’t a concept you knew. I miss getting hugged stronger than I can hug.
This too shall pass
I like that once you know how the world works, you can make it magical for someone else. I like that you can lift other peoples burden and take it upon yourself, even for a time. I like that even if the world sucks, you don’t have to. I like that look when someone is grateful to you. I love that I can hug harder than some people can hug me. I hate that you can’t save everyone.
It’s been 7 weeks into this semester and I have seen the bite behind its bark. I must be careful now. There can be no missteps. No hesitation. No show of weakness or breaking. I don’t have to clear the road ahead, I have to obliterate it. I’m feeling very Frank Underwood lately…. and I like it.
It’s the holidays and I am back home. Back in the somewhat comfortable caccone. The one where I can stay in bed and stare at the ceiling for as long as I want. The one where I grew my ambitions to take on the world and all its stupidities. And hopefully make it a little less stupid for someone else. But now I’m not so sure.
I feel like nothing has changed. I have only been gone two years and I feel exhausted. My soul is a beaten rag doll that needs more than just some patches. It needs to be put out of commission and replaced with a new one asap.
I haven’t changed at all, and if I did, it’s definitely not enough. My family is still a broken shit. My sister has also been cut off, and has asked for some… a good amount of money to pay rent, and of course I sent it. Half of my friends still hate the other half over some stupid fight they had a few years back and I am left as the child of the divorce, shuffling between houses and celebrations. I don’t know man.
I gotta find something here. Something I forgot. That something that kept me running when I was here. I’ll let you know when I find it.
It’s done. I am done. I have crossed the finish line. I have made it to the final round and I still have some of my soul intact. I have been though the crucible and I have come out stronger because of it. Now, its time to lick the wounds. It’s time to plan the next foot the journey. It’s time to order pizza and watch comedy specials till the sun rises and I hate myself.